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CloseBen Tellinghuisen - July 13, 2014
God's Keys to Marriage: Loving Leadership (1 Peter 3:7)
Transcript: Success magazine polled its readers about what were the most important factors for success in life. In general, what [were] the most important factors for success in life and hereâs the results: 89.9% said that the most important factor for success was good relationship with family. The second was a good relationship with spouse, also basically 89.6%. Very close to that was 86% was good relationship with God. And, what you think might be on the top of the list in the US â freedom to do what you want â well that got nearly 30 points less at 61%. Isnât it amazing to see, even from a completely secular viewpoint, that the world recognizes the importance of maintaining our closest of relationships? See, itâs crucial for success in everything we do these relationships we have with our family, with our wife. We see God designed us for relationships. From the very beginning this is what God has created men and women and mankind to do. Itâs to have relationships. We even see evidence in the Trinity before creation, the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit all dwelt together in perfect unity and harmony and in a perfect relationship for all eternity. And so, we see interaction within the Trinity is the sweetest of relationships with zero sin and sweet fellowship, and yet even in the Trinity, there are different roles. There are headship and submission roles even within the Godhead. God the Father is the Head and God the Son submits to God the Father, and God the Holy Spirit serves the Father and the Son and yet all three are equally and eternally God. And so, we learned last week that one of the Godâs keys to marriage, this is really a second part of last weekâs sermon, Godâs keys to marriage last week was submission on the hand of the wife. Well, this week weâre going to be Godâs keyâs to marriage is loving leadership. And so we know the context also indicates that submission is not only key for honoring God in your marriages, but itâs the key for honoring God in your workplaces according to chapter 2, verses 18 and following, and then itâs also key to having a successful life with regards to your government in relation to the government in chapter 2, verse 13-17. And so weâve seen that submission is Godâs design for us to have that sort of relationship in many areas of life. Well, this week Peter addresses husbands. This is really the first authority group that he chooses to address and assured to have the largest representation in the churches because Iâm sure as heâs writing to these churches there arenât too many government officials that heâs writing to so heâs not addressing the authority part of the authority and submission in the government relationship, and there wouldnât have been as many wealthy people who owned slaves. But, virtually anybody who had a husband and a wife relationship would have had a husband and wife headship and submission issue there and so Peter chooses to address husbands because there are many husbands to which he is writing. As weâll see, not only is submission key to Godly relationships, but so too is loving, servant leadership. And thatâs really the theme today â loving, servant leadership. Thatâs what God calls husbands to have as our role in the marriage. When we learn to interact in relationships Godâs way, weâll be fast headed towards Godâs blessing to sweet relationship success not only in our marriages but in every other relationship in life â at your job or with friends or co-workers. Now, we see from the very beginning God has made it clear that he designed for relationships, as I already mentioned. The evidence is in Godâs regular communication with Adam and Eve in the Garden. He had a sweet relationship with them, and we also see the relationship that God established with Adam and Eve themselves. We see this in the very beginning â if you want to turn to Genesis, weâll just look at a couple of verses. You see, God created Adam first and Adam was alone and was naming all the animals and those animals were made, of course, in pairs â a male and a female pair â and he quickly realized that there was not an adequate helper for him. And so you see, chapter 2 of Genesis, verse 18 (Genesis 2:18), God said this: âThen the Lord God said, âit is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.ââ And so He takes, of course, the rib out of Adam and fashions Eve and then He presents Eve to Adam and hereâs what the man said in verse 23 of chapter 2 in Genesis (Genesis 2:23), âThe man said, âThis at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.ââ And so we see instant poetry. I donât know about you but thatâs not what first comes to my lips. Poetry is hard to compose and yet Adam immediately waxes eloquently and has a poetic response to this presentation of his wife. He says, âThis one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man,â and it sounds a lot better in Hebrew as far as the poetry is concerned. But, it was a wonderful exclamation of the blessing that God has provided for him. And so, you see back in verse 18 that God designed a helper that was âfitâ for Adam. Well, we see that from the beginning here that Adam was given the headship role. He was the one that named the animals; he was the one that had the authority to do that. He actually named Eve as well and so there is a sense that Adam was given this headship role, we see that in 1 Timothy 2:13 that because Adam was created first, he was called the head. We also see that Eve was a helper fit for Adam, not the other way around. And so Eve was the perfect helpmate for Adam. Well, quickly this esteemed position is vacated by Adam, as we will see in Genesis 3. See, in Genesis, chapter 3 Satan engages Eve, not Adam, even though Adam was with Eve. He twists, he maligns and he misrepresents and misquotes Godâs word. He doesnât even rebuke him, but engages him and eventually is deceived. You know the Puritan proverb, âWhen Adam was away, Eve fell astray.â Well, thatâs not exactly how it went. You see, the Bible records that as she was arguing with Satan, as Eve was ultimately agreeing with Satan and then conspiring with Satan to disobey, dishonor, and disregard Godâs commands, Adam was there all along. Look at Genesis, chapter 3, verse 6: âSo when the woman saw that the tree was good for food and that it was a light to the eyes and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate and she also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate.â And so you see, from that point onward, this wonderful God-designed relationship turned sour with the consequences of sin. Women have pain in childbearing, try to rule and manipulate men, and men have a more difficult time working and prone to abdicate their God-given leadership responsibilities in the home. So, thatâs the context that we find even our marriages in today. As men, we are supposed to lead, weâre supposed to love our wives perfectly, but our precious wives resist and we are far from perfect leaders. And as men, we tend toward two extremes. We tend toward the passive cowardice extreme like Adam, or the overbearing, chauvinistic, pig-headedness on the other side. If youâre like me, there are times and circumstances where each side rear their ugly head. The best fix is to realize when youâre wrong, to realize when you are falling into one of these extremes, and in order to realize itâs helpful to bring some of those bad examples to light. And as I was reading this week, preparing for the sermon, thatâs exactly what a number of authors and preachers did that would outline a various different stereotypes of men, of chauvinists and cowards. And so, thatâs what Iâm going to do first for you just because I think itâs helpful for us to recognize these bad attributes in our own lives. So first weâre going to look at the four different chauvinistic character traits. Weâre going to call it âDonât be that guy.â Donât be that guy â the chauvinist. Well, the first guy weâre talking about is the âWhatever mom is⌠Iâm notâ guy. This is the guy who views masculinity as the opposite of femininity. [He] can never participate in a sport that you have to point your toes to begin, right? You canât wear clothes that actually fit, you have to wear baggy clothes because thatâs what women do. Real men, they ride their Harleys, they shoot guns, they hunt, they participate in sports, they pass gas the stinkiest. They canât hug, they canât kiss you, they canât say, âI love you.â They canât cook, they canât clean, they canât change the childrenâs diapers. Well, this type of man, this âWhatever mom is⌠Iâm notâ guy is terrible in marriages, because heâs the one whoâs unable and unwilling to help his wife. Thereâs no tenderness there, thereâs no affection to the kids, or wife for that matter. He often has a very, very hard time expressing himself. Well, a second negative attitude of âDonât be that guy,â is âLetâs get back meâ guy. This is the âLetâs get back to meâ guy. This is the guy who says, âWell, thatâs good Bob. I hope your wife recovers from cancer. Did I tell you about my new car? I might get a promotion too.â For this guy, success is primarily about work. Itâs about money and success at home is making sure everyone is wearing nice clothes, that they have fancy cars, that they have a great vacation planned, that everyone puts on a happy face when they go out. Itâs a good looking, put together family. But this chauvinist is never home. His family, his wife are more a part of his image than his life. This guy lives like itâs all about him. The third guy we arenât to be is the âYeah, I work out. You better watch outâ guy. This is the guy who walks through doors sideways. His arms are always propped open like he just bench-pressed, even if itâs been several weeks since heâs done so. This is the guy that when you were younger he would have been known as âThe Enforcer.â The guy that you donât mess with him, you donât mess with his friends because heâs going to lay the âsmack downâ type of a guy. And even as this type of guy gets older and rather stereotypically larger because all of that muscle goes straight there, it still rears its head in an ugly situation. The family, sadly this type of man is quick to raise his voice, is quick to get angry, some actually hit wives and children. Many threaten; raise their hand to physically threaten their spouse. Sometimes they physically restrain their family members or give them âthe lookâ with the terrifying anger in their eyes as if to say, âYou better not say what youâre about to say.â And the family lives in fear of men like this. You donât have to be huge or some massive, ripped man to struggle with anger. See, lashing out in anger is a very common problem. It can be the smaller guys who struggle with this as well â lashing out to those who are weaker than they are. This angry and abusive man makes a terrible husband and terrible father. Well, the fourth chauvinistic guy that we should not aim to be is the âYouâll have to kill me before I think Iâm wrongâ guy. Once it comes out of this guyâs mouth, there is no going back. âNo, seriously 4+4 is 9 in some countries,â he might say. And when it comes to submitting to leadership in their lives, thereâs absolutely no way. This is the man who has to start his own business, not because heâs some great business man but because thereâs no way that heâs going to listen to anybody else in his workplace. Well, this guy exists in churches as well. They come in and they immediately volunteer to lead in ministry and they wonât serve in ministry unless theyâre leading. Theyâre always doubting what the leadership is doing. This type of man, according to one pastor, he writes about this type of man, he âbounce around from church to church because they couldnât find a pastor stupid enough to listen to them.â And some of these guys end up setting up âhouse churchesâ and have church at their home because they canât find a church that, you know, fits their ideas of what church needs to look like. Being married to this man, as you can expect, could be a real trial. Well, itâs not just the chauvinists that exist and itâs not just that chauvinistic tendencies that we can struggle with as men, well, itâs also the âpassive cowards.â So hereâs âDonât be that guy: The passive coward list.â First is, âIs there something wrong with living in my momâs basement for the rest of my life?â guy. This is the guy who never grows up; his mom does his laundry and everyone says, âHeâs just a sweet kid. Heâs just a nice, nice fellow. He doesnât say anything mean. Heâs just a soft spoken⌠Jobs? Well, I might get a job here and there. That full time work⌠Man, thatâs just so hard. Itâs draining. I need my rest.â This type of guy is the one who says, âYou know what? I canât have a job right now because Iâm finishing up my college degree and I know itâs taking ten years but I really got to study hard for this next exam thatâs coming up. Itâs 8 months away but I really got to study for this.â This is the guy who is the grand master expert in all the latest video games. Well, some women actually fall for this guy and sheâs the one who has the house and the job and he volunteers when the time comes to be a stay at home dad. âAfter all, you got a better job than I do, so let me just follow what I should be doing in my heart and thatâs to stay at home with the kids. I love kids.â The reason why [he] loves kids is because he is one. Well the âPassive Cowards: Donât be that guy,â another example is the âI got the class clown award in High Schoolâ guy. This is the guy whoâs always, always making a joke. He canât to somebody without a joke coming out. And heâs completely unable to have a serious conversation, and at home, as you know itâs impossible to be funny all the time so this type of man frequently letâs his wife deal with the important matters while he tools away his time on the TV, on internet, on his hobbies, or some sort of job. Well, another passive type of man that we may struggle with at times is the âI have the answer to all your problemsâ guy, and at first blush you might think that this is something that should belong on the other list because this man is that every interaction, he turns it into a personal therapy session. He thinks he has the answer to every single one of your problems. You say, âWell, I got this trouble coming up.â âOh, well hereâs what God says about this here and hereâs how you should really be thinking about this here,â and he seems to answer every single problem that you have and he always thinks he has the answer. He puts on the guise of being spiritual often and can talk about theology. He might be well read Biblically and sometimes these types of guys are soft spoken, very somber, very serious. He takes himself too seriously at times, you may think he has the soundtrack of the Gladiator going through his mind as heâs walking through life. [Whispering, lightly talking to himself] âIâve got everything under control. Itâs a war, I know what to do here.â Heâs quick to talk about theory, quick to solve everyone elseâs problems, but in life, in marriage, in family, this type of man creates a mess. Never has truly a close relationship with wife or family because he doesnât listen â just always talking â so heâs not leading and his wife doesnât follow. [He] create[s] a very difficult situation. Quite frankly itâs easy for pastors to get into this particular trap. Well, the fourth passive cowardice type of guy that we shouldnât be is the âIâm the bread winner, periodâ guy. This is the guy who holds down a job, comes home every night and then checks out, is silent, sits in his Lazy-Boy, picks up the remotes, he passes the time, reads the paper, watches the news, and his interaction with the kids is limited to a kiss on the forehead before they go to bed, his wife showers them and bring them before dad. âGo in peace, my son.â And they go to bed. He doesnât talk, he keeps to himself, heâs not leading his home. He just brings home the bacon and thinks that heâs doing enough just by working in that way. Now again, these are stereotypes and quite frankly, not many of us fall into one of these stereotypes, but if weâre honest, men, we struggle with several of these stereotypes at many different times in our lives. We can fall into one or more of these. Sometimes weâre utterly chauvinistic and really 5 minutes later, we can be completely abdicating our leadership. So men, you need to recognize your struggle in these categories if youâre going to have any hope of changing. So with our faults clearly before us, we need to learn how to positively, lovingly lead our wives. What should we then be doing? Well, weâre going to look at one verse, like I already mentioned, in 1 Peter this morning that is quickly becoming my life verse the more I realize that this is a lifelong process of nurturing the most precious relationship that I will ever have, my marriage. And so, weâll see in this passage 5 ways to loving lead your wives and the basic command is here: Husbands, love your wives. Husbands, love your wives. Husbands, Love your Wives: 5 Ways to Loving Lead your Wives. Weâre going to see 5 ways in which we can lovingly lead our wives and Iâm admittedly borrowing this command to love from other passages in the Bible, which weâll get to in a little bit, Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands to love their wives, and so thatâs where weâre getting this main command here. Well, the first way in which we can love our wives is to love her with understanding. I) Love Her with Understanding (v. 7a) We see that at the very beginning of verse 7: âLove her with understanding.â He says, âLikewise husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.â Live with your wives in an understanding way. Now he begins this passage with âlikewiseâ here, because at this point he is making connection to wives what was previously said. He had just finished addressing wives in saying, âYou have a role, wives, in your marriage. Likewise men, you have a role as well. And hereâs what this role is: Likewise husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.â Literally, in the Greek you could translate this, âlive together according to knowledge.â Now if you have the NIV or some other translations in front of you, you might see that it says, âBe considerate as you live with your wife,â and of course you need to have some knowledge of your spouse to be considerate, but the idea is actually much more broad in greek. You got to know and understand a lot about your wife. And quite frankly, this doesnât happen overnight and itâs a lifelong process. So, I want to ask you: do you know your wife? Are you constantly studying her â her likes, her dislikes, her desires? For example, I know my wife hates pickles, and I know she loves dark chocolate. Okay, and so if I come home with a milk chocolate bar with a hamburger from Five Guys Burger and Fries loaded with extra pickles, that would be unwise of me, wouldnât it? Because I know my wife and if I know my wife and I want to love my wife, Iâm going to pay attention to what she likes and what she doesnât like. And by the way, these things can change over time. Just remember when your wife was pregnant. Yes, those things can change in an instant. I also know that my wife enjoys surprises. You know, those well planned dates. The ones that you used to do before you were married right? Those were the ones that she enjoys. But knowledge is more than just simple knowledge of likes and dislikes. It can mean her greatest source of spiritual encouragement. What really encourages your wife? What is her greatest source of joy? What is her greatest source of satisfaction in life? What [are] her goals - personal goals? What are her weaknesses? What are her temptations? What are her emotional tipping points? We all have them and yes, ladies, you have them, I know you do. And when you, men, realize that your wife is approaching that emotional tipping point and you know and recognize that, do you stick through that and encourage her or do you just run away. âI got to get away now.â No, we got to be those who constantly are there for our wives, helping them in every situation. Do you love her enough to gently walk with her in every difficult situation? Well, notice also it says in verse 7 that you are to âlive with your wives.â Live with your wives. This is an ongoing, day in and day out reality. This will most definitely involve endurance. Endurance because marriage is for a lifetime. We are those who are day in and day out living with our wives, studying our wives, trying to understand what are wives are like, how we can best serve them today, which is different than maybe we can best serve them yesterday. And even as sin complicates and sours relationships, we need to continue to seek to know your most precious wife. Living with that knowledge is not just gathering information but applying it to better serve, love, and cherish your wife. Well as we live with our wives, we are also to be living with our wives in great humility as well. As you get to know her, itâs not just to romance her or to have her make you your favorite dish or to get something from her, but at all times we need to be those who are seeking to know our wives even if it means we get nothing in return. Do everything you can to know your wife. Patience is another way in which we need to know our wife. We need to be those who are asking good questions, questions that get to the heart of the matter. Not just, âhow do you feel?â questions but, âWhy do you feel that way? Whatâs going on? Help me understand.â This is often difficult even for us to discern how or why we think or do what we do and the wife is no different. Thatâs why itâll be a lifelong process that you and your wife will grow together, closer and closer over time. We need to be those who continue to patiently study her. This point, I think itâs good to say, women, many of you women in the audience, be grateful for some of these attributes in your husband and if you are not married, look for a man who is like this, who is putting on and pursuing these type of characteristics and if you are married, praise your husband as he is pursuing this and help him to patiently work his way through, putting off some of these difficulties or chauvinistic or passive ways. We want to be those who are encouraging our husbands. Itâs also, âlive with him in an understanding way.â Well, husbands often come home and ask the standard question, âhowâs your day?â âHowâs your dayâ questions, right? - Just because thatâs what we do. One young mom put her response in writing. Hereâs what she said: âHow was my day? Well, today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full, I thought I might explode. And there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assaults that I was certain that Iâd explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated, just bombarded with touch, and then the second I put down this baby, I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today, and then just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today, I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids that we already have for adoption. Husband, when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats, your day is all of these things, and none of these things â sometimes within the same 3 minute period. But Iâm not complaining. This is not a complaint, so donât try to fix it. I wouldnât have my day any. Other. Way. Iâm just saying â itâs a hard thing to explain â an entire day with lots of babies. But Iâd be too tired to say all that so Iâd just cry, or yell, or smile and say âfine.â And so husbands, we need to be those who are trying to fair it out of our wives these responses. We need to be getting to heart of the matter. âWhatâs wrong, honey?â So sheâs yelling and assumed that thereâs something else behind why sheâs yelling. Sheâs crying, itâs hardly a simple matter. We need to ask those good questions. Ask âwhy are you feeling this way?â And above all â listen when your wife talks. [Itâs] so easy to ask a question and go in one ear and out the other. So we need to be those who are loving her with understanding, patiently and with humility and endurance seeking to know and understand our wives in a closer and closer way every day. II) Love Her with Honor (v. 7b) Well, we also need to be those who love her with honor. We see this in the second part of verse 7. Husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way âshowing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.â Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel. The word âwifeâ here is actually not used but the word âwomanâ or the one whoâs intrinsically feminine by nature is used and thatâs because Peter wants to focus more on the common delicacies found in the fairer gender, not just your wife in particular. And thatâs because wives here, and women in general, are considered the weaker vessels and this can mean several different things. Most people understand this to mean that most women are physically weaker than their husbands. Thatâs not always the case, I know some pretty strong women out there and some pretty weak men, but thatâs a general rule â women are physically weaker than men. We also see that women are weaker in the marriage relationship. See, women have just been called to submit to their husbands and so theyâre in a place of more vulnerability than men because they have just been given this command, and so thereâs a sense in which theyâre the weaker vessel in that regard. And some people would say that women would be weaker emotionally and some say, âWell, you can express emotions, women, and thatâs a good thing. But we also know that as you express emotions that are more sensitive to them, if emotions are unchecked, they can rule your actions and thatâs not a good thing either.â So, thereâs several ways, and itâs complicated in understanding how women can be weaker than men. But Iâve heard it described like this: Men are thick German steins. You know the real thick glass ones that are about a quarter inch thick? You throw them against the table and they clink and so what â a chip gets off? Itâs not a big deal. Women are like a delicate French champagne flute. So, the idea is that theyâre so much more delicate â we need to handle them with much care and much esteem because weâre not going to throw a champagne flute along the table, are we? It would break. It would fall. However you look at it, itâs because women are generally weaker in a variety of areas that they should be shown higher honor. Now âhonorâ here is assumed if something is weaker, delicate, and in many ways, more precious. Notice it also says, âShow honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.â This is an active command. This is something you are to pursue. Itâs not passive. Some people think that, especially men think that, âYou know, I donât drink with the guys. I donât go out and commit adultery. I donât abandon my kids; therefore, Iâm honoring my wife,â but that same husband maybe looking at porn, maybe completely absent in his relationship at home. See men; remember thereâs always some worse lowlife than you, and an absence of doing the lowlife things in this life is not honoring your wife. Itâs something active that you have to pursue. Itâs something that you got to think and plan about. So yeah, that means we should be chivalrous. We should be those who let a lady go first, who open up the door. We want to be chivalrous especially to our wives. We want to be complimenting them in public, in front of the kids. Something Iâm constantly working on is I try to praise Leah at mealtime in front of the kids. I say, âThis meal is awesome! Thank you so much, Leah, for making this. Eli, can you say thank you to Mommy?â Iâm trying to teach him to say the same thing. I donât always do it and I fail often in that regard, but itâs something that weâre trying to work on. We should be complementing our wives in public and in front of everyone. We should be affirming Godâs work in our lives. Be effusive with your praise of a God that responds to a situation that your wife might have or a God that response that your wife might have to a certain difficult individual. Be effusive with your praise. Show and point out evidence of the Holy Spiritâs work in her life. Commend her character, her gifts, her accomplishments. So honor is not actively expressed is really not honor at all. Just as gratitude not expressed is not gratitude. Make your honor for your precious, sweet wife evident to everyone. III) Love Her with Grace (v. 7c) Well, the third way we should love our wives is love her with grace. We see this in verse 7 as well. Love her with grace. We are to honor our wives as the weaker vessel âsince theyâre heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.â Now, the âgrace of lifeâ here may be taken as the common grace, the natural blessings of a nice walk on a warm, summer evening, the crisp, fall air in the apple orchard, or simply enjoying the sweet relational intimacy that you have with your family. We all have great times with our kids, with our husbands, with our spouses. God has blessed us with life, the enjoyment that we get from our close relationships can be a very sweet gift that He gives to us, but the grace of life can also be the grace of the gospel â the grace of the gospel, which is shown specifically to both men and women. Women are heirs with you of the grace of life. They receive the same blessings in this life that we do. They specifically receive the same blessings of salvation that each of us do as well. Women are not there to serve us, but are co-heirs in Christ. Galatians 3:27-29 â we read it last week and it says it like this: âFor as many as you were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. Thereâs neither Jew nor Greek. There is neither slave nor free. There is neither male nor female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ, then you are Abrahamâs offspring, heirs to the promise.â We are all joint heirs together. [It] doesnât matter male or female, there is no hierarchy in Godâs eyes with regards to all of these different relationships. We are all equal with regards to salvation. Weâve all been given the same exact promises â God has adopted each of us equally as His children. That allows then these blessed promises that weâve seen throughout 1 Peter to be applied to both men and women, both the husband and the wife. 1 Peter 2:10 says it like this: âOnce you were not a people, but now you are Godâs people. Once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.â And we see chapter 2, verse 5, Peter writes this: âYou yourselves, like living stones, being built up to be as a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices to God through Jesus Christ.â Both men and women equally are part of being built up into this spiritual house. Men are not some superior subset of humanity just because they are called to be heads. You see, chapter 1, verses 3-5, âBlessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ according to His great mercy, he has caused to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading kept in Heaven for you, who by Godâs power, are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. This applies equally to both husbands and wives. So we should be seeking to honor our wives, to lovingly know and understand our wives because ultimately they are incredibly precious in Godâs eyes. In fact, in many texts, the widow, the orphan, the more vulnerable in this world, many of which are women in this world, have a special place in Godâs eyes. Psalm 68, verse 5 says it like this; you donât have to turn there, you can just listen: âGod is the Father of the fatherless, and protector of the widows is God in His holy habitation.â Psalm 146 says it in a similar way. And so if God has a special grace, special protection for the more vulnerable, shouldnât we show the same honor and respect for our wives? Also remember that we are also precious in Godâs eyes. All have been recipients of lavish, undeserved grace, and so if weâve been given that wonderful grace so too ought we to show grace in our relationships. This means that weâre quick to forgive, that we donât hold onto grudges. I want you to turn to Ephesians 5. Weâre going to look at this to get our next couple points. But, we see that we are to love her with grace in Ephesians 5, verse 25 as well. Ephesians 5:25 says, âHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the churchâŚâ Christ loved the church. He gave Himself up for her, for us. He loved us with much grace. So we are to love our wives with the same grace. Well, in this verse we actually see another way to love our wives. We are to love her sacrificially. IV) Love Her Sacrificially (Eph. 5:25) Weâre to love her sacrificially. âHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.â This is gospel love. Our highest example of how we are to sacrifice everything for our wives. He continues in verse 28 of Ephesians 25 this way: âIn the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.â This means we are to willingly give up even your own body for your wife. Iâm sure that many of you have heard stories of men giving up their lives to protect their families. In 2010, a man swerved so that an out of control car would hit his side rather than his pregnant wife in the passanger seat. He was killed instantly, but her and the baby were saved. In 2011, a man laid his body over his wife in their tub while their house was being torn apart by a tornado in Joplin, Missouri. He died and she survived. These are indeed inspiring stories, but by the grace of God, most of us in this room will not have the opportunity to lay down our lives for our wives. But frankly, we donât act like we would. Are you willing to sacrifice your Saturdays for your wife? Are you willing to sacrifice what you most want to do for your wife? Are you willing to put down the remote control, to turn off the TV, to put up the golf clubs, to lock up the hunting rifle, to sell your motorcycle and boat, to close your laptop, to turn off your iPad, to put down your book and spend serious quality time with your wife and family? Are you willing to do those things? Are you willing to forgo everything precious to you to serve and honor your wife? You say, âOh sure, Iâd give up my life for my wife any day,â and yet youâre unwilling to stop sitting in front of the TV for twenty minutes to have a good conversation with her. You want to love your wife sacrificially. Start setting aside your hobbies, your desires, and pursue her, not just her desires, but her as a person. This love of course, thatâs used in Ephesians 5 is agape love â itâs selfless love, itâs sacrificial love by nature. And I know loving like Christ love is indeed a tall order, but you got to begin with humbling yourself and totally devoting yourself to studying, serving, and honoring the most precious relationship that God has given to you â your wife. But even if we were to love in this way, it would all be for naught without this final way to love our wives: We are to love her with spiritual leadership. V) Love Her with Spiritual Leadership (Eph. 5:23) We are to love her with spiritual leadership. We see that in Ephesians 5, verse 23. Paul here writes: âFor the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.â Here headship is authority and ultimate authority lays entirely with the husband. See, men are called to respectfully lead their families. We are called to be the ones who make the hard decisions and live with the consequences. We are called to shepherd, to gently guide, yet always operate on Word centered convictions â on Bible centered convictions. This includes how you operate with your children. You see, we are to be âPastor-Dad.â Ephesians 6:4 says it this way: âFathers, donât provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.â Men, weâre to be the spiritual giants of the home. Weâre to be the ones who have the Scriptural knowledge to train children and to encourage our wives. Husbands, fathers, weâre to be the ones who are the primary family shepherd, the primary family pastor â âPastor-Dad.â Just this week as I was studying this, I was impressed upon by how earnestly I need to take advantage of the teaching opportunities I have with my children. I need to train my children to love the Bible, to have devotions, to understand the basics about God, about His sovereignty, about His power, about what Jesus did, about who Jesus is. And sometimes as you have this as your goal, you wonder if itâs getting through as your son and daughter continues to deliberately disobey and other times you see sweet fruit of your labors. As my son this week came in with his Bible and says, âDaddy, we havenât read the Bible today. We got to read the Bible today.â Granted he does that when he doesnât want to go down for a nap, but there are times when he does it just out of the blue; âDaddy, I want to read the Bible.â As we try to make it a daily habit, we sit down, we pray, and we read his little childrenâs Bible. Also actually yesterday, my son was sitting at the piano that we have in our living room and he was writing a song, you know, scribbling on different pieces of paper and had them displayed up over the music stand there, and he put on the demo music on the piano and he was playing, you know whatever the demo was going on, and heâs singing his little heart out and I said, âEli, what are you doing?â He said, âOh Daddy, Iâm writing a song.â âGreat! Well, whatâs this song about?â He said, âWell, itâs about Jesus and how He died for us.â Itâs times like that that just warm your soul â make you grateful that you have the privilege to shepherd your family. Men, thatâs what weâve got to do. Your role as a âPastor-Dadâ is central to being a godly husband and itâs central to love your wife. Itâs amazing how much a woman will endure with an otherwise inept man if he genuinely loves and serves their children. You want to love your wife? â Love and lead your children. Now with wives, weâre not to necessarily instruct them as much as we are to encourage them, to have theological, purposeful conversations, conversations seeking to apply messages. You donât just go to church together and never talk about what you heard. Talk about what you heard; âHey, how can we apply this this week?â Read a Christian book together. At a minimum, it means praying together with your wife. Now the results of loving leadership are many faceted, but if you are not lovingly leading your wife it can be far from a joy, this relationship that you have with her. 1 Peter 3:7, the very last phrase of our text: âYou are to love your wives. You are to live with them in an understanding way. You are to treat them with honor, so that your prayers may not be hindered.â Literally this means that God will turn a blind-eye to your prayers. Your spiritual life will be seriously stunted, men. Do you feel like you can never get any traction spiritually? Maybe your relationship with your wife is not what it needs to be then. Think of it this way: your wife is Godâs daughter, isnât she? If someone mistreated your daughter, your relationship with that punk would be seriously damaged, wouldnât it? When we mistreat our wives, youâre that punk in Godâs eyes. So may we endeavor to grow closer to Christ, but realize that we must concurrently grow closer to our wives. This is a very difficult calling for us as men, but we must be those who are totally dependent on God for strength to fulfill this high calling. Gary and Betsy Ricucci in the wonderful book, Love that Lasts, itâs a book that we use for pre-marital counseling here, itâs a wonderful book if you want to go over a book with your spouse â this would be a perfect book to get. Itâs called Love that Lasts. And he helps capture the idea that we are both desperate and dependent on help to fulfill this calling we have as husbands and as fathers. Hereâs what he says, this is a quote that weâll conclude this message on: âThe desperation and inadequacy I feel when considering the fullness of the task before me (and I hope you feel the same way) is in fact the only response that can position me to succeed! Desperate is exactly where God wants us. Far from being a desperation devoid of hope, it is a self-despair that acknowledges absolutely no inherent adequacy, sufficiency, or competency for the task. It is a desperation that turns the eyes of faith toward the God of grace. There, and there alone, do we discover the complete and perfect adequacy, sufficiency, and competence. It comes down to this: we can love and lead our wives because, and only because, Christ first loved us. Our role originates in the gospel, is empowered by the gospel, and is perfected through the gospel. We can love and lead our wives because our Savior, Jesus Christ, loved us, gave Himself up for us, and leads us each day in mercy and grace.â May we likewise com in desperate humility to the hope-filled cross for help to loving lead as weâve been called to do. Letâs pray: God, we thank you for this opportunity that weâve been blessed with to look into your Word and to study and understand what you have called men to do as those who loving lead our homes and our wives. And I pray that you would help us to be those who are convicted by many areas of our life that need to be changed, that need to be adjusted, to know I am. And I pray that you would help us to forsake the chauvinistic tendencies that we have, to forsake the passive, neglecting of our responsibilities to lead that we have and I pray that you would help us to be those who gently, graciously, lovingly, sacrificially, and in a servant-like way lead our families. I pray that you would help us to be also those who study and know our wives so that we can better serve and honor them, so we can better encourage them to know and to love you. We pray all these things in your Sonâs name. Amen.
Scripture References: 1 Peter 3:7
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From Series: "1 Peter: Standing Firm in this Shaky Life"
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